


This Is What It Feels Like

by Lemon_N_Lime



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Guilt, If you haven't finished the ninth season don't read it!, If you haven't finished the second season don't read it!, Spoilers for Clara Oswin Oswald's Story, Spoilers for Rose Tyler's Story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 18:57:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10725225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lemon_N_Lime/pseuds/Lemon_N_Lime
Summary: Inspired by the song "This Is What It Feels Like" by: Armin van Buuren. Here are some thoughts circling through the twelfth Doctor's head between the episodes "Face the Raven" and "Hell Bent".





	This Is What It Feels Like

Nobody here knocking at my door  
The sound of silence I can’t take anymore 

Oh, his impossible girl, Clara Oswin Oswald. She never knew how much her company was comforting. The way every time she entered the TARDIS her every being sparkled with excitement for the awaiting adventure they would have. The way she was always such a curious little human and every time she would talk, her voice would bounce across the console, and through the maze of never-ending TARDIS corridors and bring light wherever it went. The voice of Clara, his Clara, the Impossible Girl.

Nobody ringing my telephone now  
Oh how I miss such a beautiful sound.

He remembers that day, she miraculously called him, as usual he came to the rescue, and saved the Earth. The highlight of that day, was that he found his Clara. The one who sacrificed herself to save a friend, because she knew at the end of the day, Rigsy needed to come home to the family he started, his family would have been devastated if he didn't come home that night. 

She's saved his life so many times, and in turn died just as many times as well. She will always and forever be the hero, and never hesitate to save any soul. 

And I don’t even know how I survive  
I won’t make it to the shore without your light 

He was going mad without her to guide him. Constantly holding conversations with himself, or even worse, pure hallucinations of her. She was his compass, and without her he had no direction, no purpose, no mission. Rose had a similar relationship with his 10th regeneration self. Rose was trapped in a parallel universe, but she was alive there, and lived a happy life with the human version of himself. The dejected truth is that it was the same ending with each companion. There was never and never will be a happily ever after, for him, the lonely and weary time traveller. 

No I don’t even know if I’m alive  
Oh, oh, oh without you now  
This is what it feels like

Clara was a big part of his life. He admitted it now, but he knew he should have admitted it a long time ago. Out loud, to Clara, he should have told her, but he was to stubborn and scared to do so, and that will be something he will regret for the rest of his life, however long that may be.

Nothing to hold but the memories and frames  
Oh they remind me of the battle I face  
without your love, without you I drown  
Somebody save me I’m going down

She understood how much the time war hurt him. Without saying a word, she could read you like an open book. Whenever you needed a hug or hand to hold, she knew exactly what to do. She changed him, and he trusted her with his life. Everyone needs a Clara, the world needs a Clara, but she died and no one knew. 

And I don’t even know how I survive  
I won’t make it down the road with one headlight  
No I don’t even know if I’m alive  
Oh, oh, oh without you now  
This is what it feels like

 

Now he was just stumbling blind in the dark without direction. All he could do was continue and wait for time to heal, yet another wound.


End file.
